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Hi all,

I know it sounds odd, but the only way I can put it bluntly is that I’d like to get committed for at least a week or two to a hospital. I don’t feel safe with myself.

I’ve been in this mindspace before, but this one, it’s different. I have a true peace with it and this is how I am able to gather, when I really pull myself into fleeting moments where is flicker of light, I realize that I am more unwell than I can grapple with.

Been having a lot of suicidal ideation and very (magnetically) compelled to act upon it. I don’t want to go home to my family. I think externally, I look the happiest I’ve ever been. To friends and family. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss because if I get turned away, I’ll feel as futile as when I started, because walking in will be hard enough as it is.

I think what bothers me so that I seem so well adjusted on the outside and perhaps even in a medical office, I can imagine how unserious I’d be taken because I can still “perform” i.e laugh and smile but I cannot explain it. There is a dark shadow in me and I’m not well. I am trying to think objectively and not let it make me think nor act upon it.

I am not even sure what I need.

What is out there for me? My sister used to be a in the medical field (emergent hospital, incl psych) in NYC, but I am scared to ask her because I don’t want to make anyone worried.

Please. If anyone knows what is best and/or has any recommendations, I welcome it. This can be regarding most likely form of care or general recommendations. Anything is welcome and truly appreciated.

Note: Obvs a throwaway but post history adds a little more detail.