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NYC: What happened? I mean, what really happened? I’m going to preface this with complete acknowledgment that I’m probably alone in my love for soft pretzels. They come in so many different varieties that they’re almost considered different foods:

Super Pretzel style giant ballpark pretzels or pretzel braids that are doughy and waxy and nostalgic in all the right ways. The king-size ones have always been available at every pool, roller-rink, sports game and hot dog stand. I remember being able to get the pretzel braids at IKEA and on the Staten Island ferry the last time I went on it. German style pretzel. Usually large and dry but made to be eaten with mustard or beer cheese. Auntie Anne’s large buttery Amish style fresh baked pretzels. Wetzel’s sells a similar style but the taste is slightly different. I like the flavor of Auntie Anne’s more, but Wetzel’s is more consistent. Auntie Anne’s sitting under a heat lamp for hours stale hard as a rock pretzel that make you go “eh, I guess I’ll still eat it, but damn my jaw hurts.” style. Philly-style three-at-a-time connected pretzels. They’re really cheap to make and are okay but made to be dipped. I remember when I lived in Philly you could get a box of 100 for $20. Wawa still sells 1-day old versions of these last time I visited one. Pretzel bread style. The kind you get at Trader Joe’s. Heavy on the preservatives to stay kinda soft for days on end. Usually used for pretzel buns at restaurants The gross pretzel sticks restaurants usually use that are more pretzel-bread like, but so gross they deserve their own category.

For as long as I remember King-sized Super Pretzels (or something similar) were the pretzel-style of choice to sell at vendors and concession stands all across the US. Nowhere was more famous for this than NYC. In the last few years, I’ve noticed that almost everywhere across NYC these soft pretzels have been replaced by a new variety: A pretzel-like substance that appears to have been made by pouring a bread-like slurry into a pretzel-shaped mold and baked then left to sit out for days on end then reheated until too hard to eat.

These things are everywhere now. All vendors have them, so it’s obvious that they’re just flat-out cheaper to carry. Here’s the kicker: All the signs advertise the old-style pretzels. I went to MSG the other day for a concert and there were active digital advertisements saying to purchase a “Super Pretzel brand pretzel” at the concession stands, so I know these aren’t just old signs: Someone purchased an ad for these recently. Every concession stand had a big Super Pretzel sign and a Super Pretzel branded pretzel warmer machine with pictures of Super Pretzels, and inside every one were these disgusting abominations. Like, I imagine if I worked for a major pizza brand and a vendor of mine started selling Red Baron pizza and claiming it was mine I’d be pissed off because now everyone would think my brand tastes like shit.

So what happened? Does anyone have any insider details on this tragedy? Are these actually Super Pretzel’s new entry-level basic tier service? Is the greatest city in the world fine with being known for having the shittiest pretzels? Is that cool now? Has “enshittification” somehow reached vendors that were already known for having the cheapest quality shit they can get away with? What are we going to do about it? When do we march?